Inner Voice

I felt annoyed with some type of human being,
that put my feelings as not important as their works.
That put their works more important than my situation.
That doesn’t care if I am going to class on that time
but the only thing they know if I can help with their works.
That feels too hard to say thank you after I helped them
or feel disappointed if I cannot help them
although I am the only person that can help them.
Things that keeps coming and happen unexpected.
Things that sometimes made me feel sad with me.
Am I too bad to my friends or am I too burden to them?
Or I am looked like a very bad friend although I had tried to help?
Or I am not good enough to be a part of their life?

Nowadays, I saw a friend had a serious culture shock.
Bdw, people change and I can accept the statement.
But changing to some kind of person that they shouldn’t be,
It just makes me feel annoyed and disappointed with them.
Instead of advising them, I had changed it to mengumpat.
And it makes me feel bad friends, bad human beings.
I am not saying that I am a damn good girl.
I admit that I also did something wrong although I knew it.
But looking at this one friend that changing drastically,
I felt afraid of myself, thinking of what will happen to me in future.
Am I going to change like her, and continue the culture shock cases?
Dear friend, I bet your past is not an experimental season for you.
Cause I am a different person in a past compared to these days.
Cause in past, I had enough time to try many bad stuff.
Until I got caught, until I got the punishment, detention, etc.
And that’s why I said, I had enough from my past.
And maybe your experimental season is this year, this semester.
But thinking of the practical semester for the next year,
again, worried, disappointed, annoyed keep struggling in me.

Little bit of class trip, little bit of event, little bit of hatss.
And they become a problem to me because I am not prepared.
Although the event is after raya, but the pressure has started.
Keep searching for the suitable house, the sponsorship,
the promotion, letter this, letter that, resulted a pressure.
Some of friends are willing to help continuously but,
me, myself do not know how to organize all of this stuff.
And although Farith already pay RM300 first for the trip,
but the guilty of borrowing friends money is still there.
Looking at Farith’s good looking face every day,
just make me feel more burden with the balance of RM210.
What a miserable feelings towards Farith!

The boyfriend stuff keeps come and go.
Happy, sad, excited, unexpected, war begins~
Something should be done with my attitude.
Something should be changed bak kata Nadia.
I need to control my sensitive feelings, anger, and emotion.
But sometimes, it is easy to say than for me to do.
Cause I am trying to do my best for you but I can’t.
I try to do my best to be the best for you boyfriend.
Sorry because I can’t do it and sorry for you to face it.

Oh yeah, my parents promise me to come and visit me here.
Last two weeks, canceled, last week, canceled.
What about this week? I don’t know what to say anymore.
I am damn missing you ibu, ayah. Only Allah knows.
I cried in ETR class last Monday because I miss ayah too much.
When all of my friends enjoying watching the rocket video,
I cried until the video ends. I want ibu, ayah badly.
Only Nadia and the boyfriend knew what happen to me.
And they knew why I am missing the parents too much.
And I am hoping to see them here, in Mutiara College.
I miss ibu mumbling at my room, at my locker, at my study table.
I miss ayah faces when he saw the distant between college and bus stop.
And I miss the hug, the kiss,everything about them. Miss them badly.

Argh~ Such a long story to share. What a big problem that I have.
Is it that big? Yes I know it is not that big. But I can’t stand of it.
Because me, myself do not have that strength to go through this.
The hotel subjects itself, the things, the sensitive feelings, the wars.
And every day, I just hoping that the world never ends know.
I want to settle all of this stuff first. And show others that I can.
I just want to be the best for others. I just want to be a better person.
For Allah, for ibu, for ayah, for Nadia, for boyfriend, for friends.
And most important, I just want to be the best for myself.